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What If

Be Dazzling!

You are a gift. Each and every one of you is a gift.Champagne

You come in all shapes and sizes, so I encourage you to wrap yourself in whatever makes you…YOU!

Want to wear a gown grocery shopping? Let the chiffon flow!

Do brilliant sparkles make you smile? Then, please, layer on the bling and smile!

Allow your ensemble to represent who you are, no matter how colorful, formfitting, or eccentric. If it makes you feel good, WEAR IT!

Do not be discouraged by the judgment of others. When you slip into that leather skirt, know that you’re doing it for you, not for the attention of a guy.

If you hate heels, but wear them because he likes them… throw them away! Slide into your beloved flats.

Are you proud of your legs, but fear being labeled a “slut” in that short skirt? Shamers be damned! Flaunt those legs!

We are fabulous human beings. We are not here to be judged, shamed or ridiculed for how we choose to wrap our bodies. Don’t allow fear to hide who you are. Look in the mirror and LOVE who you see looking back.

Respect yourself. Allow the world to see who you truly are. Proudly wear your heart on the outside. Drape yourself in whatever makes you shine! Because beneath all of the sparkles and bows, there’s YOU. The true Gift.

Who you choose to share with the world is on the inside. It is this gift that I love and admire. So…

I am a Writer…

“How’s the Writing Going?”

If I say that I’m writing, will it make it true? If I tell you the words are finding me, will it convince them to flow? If I want it enough, will it happen? I’ve wanted to believe that by saying it, I was inviting creativity back into my life. But it was only a lie I wanted to be true.

I am a writer, searching for creativity.

“How’s the Writing Going?”

I’ve been writing the same four chapters for over a year. I’ve rewritten the same four chapters again and again, hoping to spark the story from which they were created. I listen… but the voices only speak to me in sporadic bursts – fading before I can capture them.

I stare at my screen, waiting for the words. I stare at the walls. I stare out the window. Hours go by. My house is clean. My laundry is folded. My screen remains blank. My head remains quiet.

I am a writer, without words.

“How’s the Writing Going?”

They become the words I dread most, instantly flooding me with shame. I cringe when my agent’s number appears on my phone, wishing I could tell her I have something… but I can’t. I watch my friends publish book after book. I praise their accomplishments – I am truly so proud of them. But I’m equally ashamed of my lack of contribution. Each time I attend a signing, I am humbled and grateful for every reader who waits in line to meet me. But then I want to apologize to each of them for only having the same four books without anything new released. The shame burrows deep, and I sink into its hole.

I am a writer, who is not writing.

“How’s the Writing Going?”

The question is now a blow to my gut, laden with guilt. Writing is my career. I chose to devote my life to it. I was so confident in my ability, I left everything else behind to pursue it. I once worked sixty to eighty hours a week, and now I can’t write a single page. I avoid my agent, my editor, my friends, my financial planner, not wanting to answer that ten-thousand-pound question. I am a fraud.

I am a writer, who cannot write.

“How’s the Writing Going?”

“It’s not!” I want to scream. “I’m not writing!”

Fear coils in my gut, cold and heavy. What if I can never write again? Have I written all that I’m meant to write? How will I pay my bills? Should I pursue another career? What’s wrong with me?

Wait. Say that again…

“What’s wrong with me?”

That’s when I know… Something is wrong. I can feel it in my vacant stare. Within the fog in my brain. I am lost. Disconnected. I am not myself.

With help from my doctor, I’ve spent the past year searching for me. The body is a delicate vessel, and if one thing is off-balance, it can affect everything. I have been off-balance, in need of fine tuning, like dialing in a radio station.

Static. Static. I can hear a voice. Lost it. Static. There! That’s it! Music!

I am a writer, who will write.

“How’s the writing going?”

It’s coming…

The voices speak louder each day. My confidence is re-emerging, comforting the fear with a hug, whispering “Everything’s going to be okay.” The shame and guilt have lessened, but insist on hovering. Soon, they too will be silenced because I don’t know how to give up. I am meant for this life, to share my words… to create.

I vow to never release a story just to ease the guilt. I will only share my words when they’re worthy of being read. I will live my truth and remain honest with who I am. And despite being lost in the haze of imbalance, I know exactly who that is.

I AM A WRITER.

I’ve Been Waiting for You!

I’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions. They always seemed like work to me. And that’s not very much fun. Instead, I recognize something I learned from the previous year and allow it to influence the upcoming year. And in 2015… I learned a lot.

This past year was one of the most challenging years I’ve personally experienced in a long time. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It was an enlightening year, allowing me to see my life and the world around me in a way I never have before. I gained insight on who I am as a person and an artist. And it introduced new experiences and connected me with people who have changed me in so many ways. It also has provided me with that much more knowledge to bring with me into 2016.

And that is why I am calling this the year of Beginning Again. There are many years preceding it, but this one is brand new. And only I get to decide how it will begin. I am excited by all of the possibilities… because they all exist. Every single possibility. Now all I have to do is to decide upon which one to make happen first.

A maybe it will begin with…

It Happens When It Happens…

By nature, I’m a control freak. An impulsive control freak at that. I get an idea, and I want it done. Right at that very moment. If I can see it in my head, then I want to figure out a way to make it happen.

My mind never shuts off. It keeps me up at night, plaguing me with vision after vision. Insomnia and I are well acquainted. I have six stories in my head, waiting for their turn to talk to me. There’s places I want to visit, causes I’d like to support, concerts to experience, while guiding my son to be the best human possible. I have no idea how to sit quietly and relax… it seems impossible.

Knowing this about myself, the hardest lesson I have had to learn is that I am not in control of my creativity. I am at its mercy. And that does not bide well with a control freak. I have a concept for a story. I know what I want it to be about, who will be in it, and how it will end. But it doesn’t mean I can write it.

Writing WHAT IF made me question everything. Even my approach to writing. I started this story more than five times. I thought I could write it in three months. It took seven. I tried to plot my points and write from beginning to end like I’ve always done. I ended up writing out of order, within the past and the present, in three different points of view. I thought it was going to be a fun, light love story. It is NOT.

WHAT IF was supposed to be my reprieve from the emotional gutting I’d just been through with The Breathing Series.  A cleansing, if you will. That’s not what ended up happening.

This story messed with my head. It challenged me since conception. Writing was counterintuitive since the story is told by a twenty-year-old college guy – which I am not. I had to lose myself to his voice, suppressing my own. There was a point that I considered quitting, and trying another project. However, this story was determined to be told, but in its own way. (Besides… I don’t know how to give up.) In the end, I experienced a creative process I could never have predicted.

There are so many layers to this story. Everything is connected – moments, words, even colors. It’s easy to just enjoy it for what it is when you read it. But if you look closely, you’ll see the interwoven lines of the web that you’re caught within. Everything is on purpose.

So what’s WHAT IF about? It’s not a love story. It’s a life story. It’s about friendship. It’s about love. It’s about second chances. It’s about living the life you want, not the one you’re given.

And I’m so very proud of this story. It’s taught me so much about myself as a writer. Patience being the hardest lesson (that I am still trying to learn). It is unlike anything I’ll ever write. But that’s what I hope to say about each story I create. And after everything I went through, I wouldn’t change a thing.

So it is with great pleasure that I announce that I’ve signed with Grand Central Publishing and they plan to release the eBook of WHAT IF in September 2014 and the paperback in January 2015.

I will keep you apprised of the details as I continue to work with them. I have some amazing things planned for promoting WHAT IF as well that I want you to be a part of!

 

Since I’m making announcements, I’d also like to share that I’m currently speaking with a production company about making The Breathing Series into a movie series. Nothing is “official” yet, which basically means I haven’t signed anything. But I just submitted the screenplay to the team as we continue to move forward. You will hear my scream of excitement echo around the world when I can officially announce it. This will be a cinematic experience unlike any other!  I cannot wait!!

 

One more thing… (This is what happens when I wait until I have news to share before writing a blog post, everything happens at once!) Due to the amount of travel I’m doing this summer, I will begin writing Jonathan’s story this fall! The Burning Series will also be a trilogy: IGNITING LIES, BURNING TRUTH, and ASHES OF REDEMPTION. I have no idea when you can expect them. But I promise to keep you updated as I create his story, which is going to be dark and violent.

 

I told you I have a whirlwind going on inside my head… and those are just the projects I can announce!!

 

 

Waiting…

I talk out loud – creating conversation.

I visualize facial expressions – squinting, mouth tightening, furrowing brows.

I observe me – my breathing, my heartbeat, my hands clenching.

Then I listen.

Where is this taking me? What should happen next? How will this all come together?

And then there is silence. I wait. But the voices are mute.

I try to force them, but it’s no use. They will not be persuaded by desperation. Continue reading…

Voices In My Head

In twenty minutes, everyone will remember you when you’re gone.
And your heart is a stone buried underneath your pretty clothes.

Don’t you know people write songs about girls like you?

What will you do when something stops you?
What will you say to the world?
What will you be when it all comes crashing down on you, little girl?
What would you do if you lost your beauty?
How would you deal with the light?
How would you feel if nobody chased you?
What if it happened tonight?

—The Naked and Famous

 

There is music that makes you feel. There is music that makes you move.

This music… made me THINK ~ “I want to write about that girl.” Continue reading…

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Copyright 2017 Rebecca Donovan